Note: I have waited a year to write this message………… I make no guarantee this will be interesting, entertaining or worth your time…………
Sunset of Dreams
Twenty-seven years ago today, I started over. I made a conscientious choice to live and never go back. To go back would (and will be) my death. I was broken and had no idea how to begin fixing myself. I had an encounter that changed my life, gave me the willpower to live and courage to accept whatever was to become of me. The black dreams consumed my mind and I will never forget the feeling of death looking over my shoulder. I sincerely hope no one reading this can relate to what I am going to describe. I do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable however, I want to indulge myself and peel a scab that, while no longer bleeding, is nonetheless sore.
Worthless Dreamer (Das ist schade aber, Träum weiter…..)
Last year on this day, I wrote a simple blog entry: “Faith is the true evil. Blind, unquestioning faith in a religion or a cause has made men go to war, commit unspeakable acts of persecution and terrorism against other human beings.” I wanted to share what I am about to share with you but, I was just too afraid. Does that sound very Satanic; aren’t Satanists hardcore muthafvckers? That question took years for me to be able to answer; it took a long time to get comfortable in my skin…….MY skin; bruised, cut, bleeding and w o r t h l e s s. “Hey, I’m talking to you.” I can teach the ways of Satanism but I am going to give you something basic; something on a humanistic dream level. I’m reaching for your heart……. I’ll spare you all the morbid details in this post. I have often thought about writing a book as my “Hitchhike to Hell” experience but I never get past the thought of reliving those nightmares in iniquitous, vivid detail.
As intelligent as we think of ourselves, we simply remain primates intact, humans and chimpanzees can have a >98.5% similarity in DNA. Honestly, that statement is more an insult to chimpanzees than vice versa. We have needs, wants, desires and according to Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we revert to our primordial existence rapidly when the rug is snatched from under our feet. I’m not going to over-analyze the psychology of how my life jumped the tracks; an event that left me spiraling defenselessly, unable to obviate the risks. I will say my childhood home life was tedious and draconian with feelings of unyielding abandonment. Even as I type these very words, I feel hives forming on my neck.
Craving Becomes Enslavement (Arbeit Macht Frei)
If I asked you to be my slave for the night, what would you say? Would the question ‘turn you off’ or make you think ‘less of me’? After all, this would be asked of you by a Satanist, Satanic Magus, coven member (leader)………..and those are my ‘good qualities’. Perhaps you have never seen a picture of me or maybe you have………….. Either way, I do not hold power over anyone who does not wish it or ask for it as their ‘pleasure’.
The tireless pursuit of the ownership of ‘flesh’ is more common than you may realize. For those who are drawn to Tumblr like a mouse to cheese, the end result is often the same….the trap is tripped and they are immobilized. The fetishes represented on Tumblr is not only for “shock value” for the housewife in Des Moines, Iowa; the images tighten a need, desire, necessity and sustainment. Consider the following. Can you relate to sections of my incongruous linear progression?
For some reason, addicts name their drug(s): Adela is now my succubus however, she shares the same name of my first real lover: Heroin. The first time I slid the needle under my skin, I went from Curiosity→Slavery. She took my breath away and from that moment forward, I lived to make her happy and I almost died to satisfy her.
Copulation and Capitulation (Sexuell Ausgehungert)
In the ’80s, drugs were recreational and only hardcore, drug starved fvckers were shooting. Some naive folks tried to gain popularity by Chasing the Dragon but only the real “slaves” went to the extent of loading smack. Looking back in retrospect, I am lucky to be alive and extremely lucky to have dodged the bullet of HIV, AIDS, TB, Hepatitis, blood poisoning, overdose, and the list goes on and on…..those are the medical threats. New Orleans, Lower 9th, shooting gallery, white boy with a pocket full of cash……….people have died for a lot less.
If you have never tried H (and I hope you never do) she is a total lover. From the “prick” of her calling to her touch, she is, to the addict, a goddess who is sure to be properly worshipped. She is the tenderness of that virgin; the embrace of repeated orgasms, the release with no reserve; a tightrope with no safety net. When she asks, you answer and when she calls, YOU COME!! She laughs at the amusing lie adopted by the user and the “smoke and mirror” reality that addicts use to fool themselves into thinking “she belongs to them”: No, they belong to her!!!
I must end here for now. If anyone is interested, I will share more this weekend.
PS “Noraa…………Without sun, a precious flower that could be saved soon dies.”