Every once in a while I find a blog post that strikes a chord in my heart; one I can truly relate to from my past experiences. The post below is exactly that post and it “picked at my old scars” that have healed however, I was not able to give them the proper treatment at the time. They are still sore and they bleed from time to time.
This post is dedicated to all of those searchers who are being scarred and psychologically mutilated through the ignorance of others who control the situation…………..for now. Just like me, the scars will always remind you of the past.
“Hell is truth seen too late” -Thomas Hobbes
Believe it or not, in the folly of my youth I was a Republican, believing whole heartedly in the bright shiny future of the “American dream”. I was taught if you followed the rules, did unto others and worked hard, all would turn out for the greater good including my own. As I evolved through life experience I swayed like a pendulum back and forth, left and right, always disappointed, disillusioned at the end of every term.
I was always inwardly rebellious in my mind though outwardly the world would have never known. My mind questioned endlessly, nagging me that things were not as they seem and when I asked questions, so many questions, I was told to be a good girl and do as I was told, no questions asked. Rarely could anyone look me in the eye with any certainty to give me straight forward answers and I sensed the discomfort I created with my endless curiosity.
So often I was told that things were the way they are and I knew deep inside they were avoiding their own thoughts. I had endless questions that seemed to irritate people. How could “God” be an all loving being but send us to a never-ending burning hell if we didn’t do this or we didn’t do that? None of it made any sense and I only became more confused as it was reiterated to me “ be good, be good, be good and follow the rules” and what was good, who decided?
I was a very sensitive child who cried when the other kids on the playground stepped on ants and when I asked them to stop they laughed at me, told me I was silly they were “just ants”. I inwardly railed to myself “but I thought we were all God’s creatures” didn’t they know that? They disgusted me with their blatant cruelty and ignorance in so many ways and those children grew up still believing they were “just ants” how sad.
I was bullied quite a bit and as I have learned bullies have an innate sense of who they can hurt the most, which some think, is the weakest of the species but I know differently, bullies also pick on those they sense are different from the norm because it scares them. I often sat in my room or out in the woods contemplating the hypocrisy of the world and why we put up with so many little horrors that would balloon into something much bigger than ourselves, why did we accept it, why did we shy away from simple truths, it seemed so senseless and still does. Why, when I asked why often times, my mother would seem to get so angry with me?
I began to suspect what I now know is that human kind in general does not want to rock the boat unless pushed to the edge, people are afraid of the blatant truth and I still don’t understand why, it boggles my mind. Is it easier to justify, rationalize, coerce, and huddle together but apart turning a blind eye to the big picture? We sit comfortably in an easy chair in the living room and watch Jeopardy as our world crumbles around us leaving our future generations with who knows what horrors. Again I ask why? Why do we deceive ourselves that a new President will make our system work better? A system so corrupt so twisted so greedy it is beyond comprehension.
I have no personal grievances with Romney or Obama it is the system, the majority, the people, you and me, that I believe is where the ultimate fault lies. I truly believe that every human being on this earth has something to contribute to society in some way. I truly believe there is no reason for any child to ever go to bed with hunger pains in their swollen belly. As I sit back day by day and watch the games people play, it makes me unbearably angry at our race.
I no longer believe in “God” and I haven’t for a long, long time because our actions speak louder than words. It is just another façade of the establishment created by men to control men in another twist and turn of fear and power, but for what?
Have we not learned from history? Why do we continue to delude ourselves to the truth? Why do we not evolve?
I still have hope, I will continue to ask questions and I will continue to say what I think until I can speak no more. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I will be true to myself; I will not “play the game”.